Stop Being Awkward - 5 Ways to Make Small Talk That You'll Actually Enjoy
Conversation tips for people who hate initiating conversations
Good Morning!
I hope all of you had a restful and energizing weekend. Just a reminder that if you haven’t already, enter to win our Self-Care Giveaway by taking 1 minute to answer our poll questions and share this newsletter.
In today’s edition…
Morning Microdose: Stop Being Awkward - 5 Ways to Make Small Talk That You'll Actually Enjoy
Myth of the Day: I’m bad at small talk because I’m not outgoing.
Action Item: Initiate a conversation with someone while you’re out and about.
(1) Morning Microdose
Stop Being Awkward - 5 Ways to Make Small Talk That You'll Actually Enjoy
For much of my life, I thought of myself as a loner and an introvert. I was insecure and afraid to talk to new people, always believing that I was awkward at conversation and that nothing about me was interesting or exciting. In fact, others actually said to me, “You really need to work on your social skills.”
Then, 4 years ago, everything changed. My spouse packed up all her things and half our house and walked out on me while I was traveling. I was devastated.
I had very few friends in my local community
No friends at work
No family living nearby
And 1 cat who was dying of cancer
The only thing that kept me from completely falling apart was a belief in the universe that somehow, if I completely surrendered all my insecurities, fears, and limiting beliefs, things would get better.
And they did.
How? I started with teaching myself the art of small talk.
Small Talk Makes a Big Difference
Small talk is simply a way to initiate a conversation. It’s an invitation to casually socialize, and—if there’s chemistry—may lead to a deeper connection, like a friendship, a business partnership, or even a romantic relationship. A lot of people say “I don’t do small talk,” but with that mindset, they are passing up a huge opportunity.
If you are able to effectively engage others in small talk, you can shift their feelings about interacting with you from neutral/negative to positive.
Let me say that in another way:
When you are able to effectively engage in small talk, people REMEMBER you. They remember you in a positive light, rather than a negative one. You are pleasantly memorable.
And that is like planting a seed in fertile soil.
5 ways to improve your small talk game
Are you able to do the following in casual conversation?
Smile authentically and show genuine interest in the conversation. Look them in the eyes, and avoid distractions like your phone. If you are chatting in a place where you genuinely like to hang out (e.g. you are a baseball fanatic at a baseball game talking to the person sitting next to you), you can easily tap into showing genuine interest since you share common ground.
Effortlessly pivot the conversation based on the other person’s tone of voice. Do they sound stressed, rushed, or agitated? Keep small talk to a minimum in these situations. If you are an empathetic person, or have a good sense of comedic timing and/or improv, you can leverage those skills to move that person from a negative polarization to a positive one.
Ask for a person’s name (even better if you already know it). People automatically pay more attention when you say their names. This usually works better in a non-rushed / lower-stress situation (e.g. if you are in a hospital elevator and the doctor standing next to you is on their way to resuscitate a code blue, this might not be a great opportunity to ask for her name). But if you are having a pleasant conversation at the dog park, you can say something like “By the way, my name is Marek, and this is my dog Miles. What’s your name?”
Use open body language and adjust based on the body language of the other person. If they have their arms folded or their body is turned away from you, they are not interested in letting you in. If they have angry emoji face 😠 or look constipated 😒, they are not interested in being chatty. Again, if you don’t know how to adapt to closed body language, you can keep small talk short and simple, and move on.
Ask questions that are not only relevant, but also well-timed and contextually appropriate. Contextual appropriateness is based on the situation and how well you know them. Asking open-ended questions gives you the opportunity to be an “eager listener” which can shift them from feeling neutral to positive, since most people like talking about themselves.
(BONUS) Don't emotion "dump." People you initially meet don't want to hear about your problems. Avoid complaining or saying mean things about others. Keep it light and positive during small talk.
Example small talk conversation: the common interest
Below you will find a common interest thread that takes someone from a neutral/negative feeling about the interaction to a potentially positive one.
“Have you seen the show Wednesday on Netflix? It’s really good”
“No.”
“Well, it’s great if you like coming-of-age supernatural comedies. What do you like to watch?”
“Nothing. I don’t have a TV.”
“Cool, how do you like to relax?”
“I like to read.”
“What are you reading right now? I would love some recommendations. I have a goal to read 1 book per week.”
Other good small talk topics:
Pets (“How’s your new puppy?”). Even better if you know the pet's name ("How's Sparky doing?”)
Sports ("Are you into college basketball? Did you catch the UCLA game this weekend?")
Travel (“Have you ever been to… the food is… the sights are…”)
Talking about the weather is not my favorite. It’s boring and cliche.
Finally, here’s an example of how seemingly innocuous small-talk questions (e.g. “what’s your favorite film?” and “what kind of people do you like working with?” can lead to deeper answers).
When to walk away
If there is zero chance that this person is interested in engaging in small talk, don’t worry about it. Simply excuse yourself (you don’t need to justify it), wish them a nice day, and move on. NBD.
(2) Myth of the Day
I’m bad at small talk because I’m not outgoing.
You don’t have to be outgoing to be good at small talk. Anyone can train themselves to be a great small talker. It’s a skill just like riding a bike or driving a car. If you practice enough, it will become second nature and easy to carry on a conversation with a complete stranger. Remember, small talk plays a significant role in building connections and establishing relationships. It can also be a way to break the ice and set the stage for deeper conversations
(3) Action Item
Are you comfortable with small talk? If not, consider the 5 ways I’ve listed above to make small talk more enjoyable. Then, try it out today with someone you meet. You can even initiate a conversation with someone while you’re “out and about.” For example, the grocery store employee, a phone support associate, your Uber driver, etc.
Liked what you read? Stick around and share with a friend.