How to Date Like an Adult*
Get out, grow your circles, and don't be a jerk
Good Morning!
Welcome to Monday’s Edition of Daily Self—I hope you had a great weekend! It’s “Love and Relationships” week at Daily Self, and I’ll be writing about—you guessed it—love and relationships. More specifically, how self-care is strongly correlated with these topics.
In today’s edition:
Morning Microdose: How to Date Like an Adult*
Myth of the Day: You should be married by now.
Action Item: Practice your rejection pep talk.
(1) Morning Microdose
How to Date Like an Adult*
(*In this context, I define “adult” as anyone over 30)
Dating as an adult feels like being on an epic quest for an elusive mystical creature that always seems to evade you as you travel to the ends of the earth looking for it, all the while getting your ass kicked everywhere you seek it out.
While on this quest, your self-care fluctuates wildly (i.e. you find yourself eating vegetables, working out, and engaging in positive self-talk before a date, but oscillate to crying into a pint of ice cream and listening to the “Sad Hour” playlist on Spotify after the date goes poorly).
Don’t get me wrong, a lot of people have great success finding dates on apps like Tinder, OKCupid, Hinge, Bumble, HER, Feeld, and many, many, many more. Some of them even find their soulmates. But if you’re an adult who only gets dead-eyed people with “dog lens” faces in your feed, or your last 5 app dates fizzled within the first 15 minutes, then it’s time to pivot.
Don’t fall for simulated chemistry—go out!
You do not feel chemistry based on seeing a photo and reading an 80-character bio—you feel chemistry based on interaction. You can argue that once you match with someone on an app and begin chatting, that qualifies as interaction, and therefore you can feel (or not feel) chemistry. On the contrary, I consider this the mandatory phase where you pre-screen potential applicants. Chatting helps you weed out false-positive swipe rights and sociopaths.
Going into the pre-screening phase, all of us have our own rubrics that result in giving a green light (or red flags). Once you get that green light feeling—ASK THEM OUT! Regardless of gender, do not wait for them to ask you out. You will uncover three truths about yourself when you do this:
You are the curator of your own life and do not wait for life to happen to you.
You are brave.
You value yourself and your priceless time (recall from Friday’s edition that “Time is a bank account that only has debits.”).
If they stall, move on. If they say no, find out why. For a good reason, consider giving them the benefit of the doubt and trying again in a few days. Shit reason, move on. If they say yes (even better if you get an eager yes), schedule the date within the next week or so. Why? Because YOUR TIME IS PRICELESS—don’t waste it!
Once you’re out on your first date and interacting, that’s when you can get a good feel for chemistry. If the chemistry is hot, great! Go out again. I’ll cover how to handle not-hot scenarios in tomorrow’s post.
Grow your circles to expand your possibilities
If online dating isn’t your thing or you find yourself continuously disheartened by your matches (or lack thereof), don’t worry! Keep your head up high and SURPRISE YOURSELF. The problem isn’t that you have too few prospects, it’s that you’re not thinking big enough.
You need to grow your network / social circles by going places and trying things where you have a strong possibility of meeting people who match your ideal mystical creature. Surprise yourself by doing something you wouldn’t normally do. For example, join the pottery studio you’ve always been curious about. Try out for the rollerblade hockey league in your neighborhood. Go to the poetry reading and read your own poetry. Take an improv class and be the first person to volunteer to get up on stage.
Not only does trying new things get you out of your boring routine, but it also signals to potential matches that you are someone who isn’t scared to put themselves out there. That, in itself, can be a very attractive quality.
Rejection is a temporary state
Everyone strikes out. It happens all the time and it feels terrible. Seriously, getting rejected is one of the worst feelings in the emotive spectrum and has been found to activate the same areas of the brain that are activated when we experience physical pain. If you get rejected, remember:
Don’t be a jerk to yourself. Compassion isn’t just reserved for other people. You can show yourself compassion as well. Imagine if you were comforting your best friend, son, daughter, brother, or sister after they experienced rejection. Would you call them losers? Probably not. You would show love and empathy. You can do that for you too.
There are at least five reasons you are awesome. In truth, there are way more than five. But start with five, and say them out loud: “I’m awesome because…”
We are creatures wired for connection. Get yourself together by phoning a friend. They’ll know what to do.
Everything in the universe is temporary. Stars are born, stars will die, galaxies collide, mountains erode, continents drift, and the pain of this rejection will fade. Eventually, you’ll be ok.
(2) Myth of the Day
You should be married by now [or some BS age].
There’s no one "right" way to date or find a partner. Everyone's journey is different, and what works for one person may not work for another. Some people may find their partner(s) early on in life, while others may not find partners they want to commit to until later in life, or they may choose to remain single.
Focus on building a fulfilling life and taking care of yourself, rather than feeling like there is a set timeline or checklist for finding a partner. When it comes to dating, the most important person you need to understand is YOURSELF. What do you want, and when?
(3) Action Item
I’m not going to encourage you to go out on a date—the timeline for that is something you need to figure out for yourself. But I encourage you to practice your pep talk (e.g. “I’m awesome because…”) so you have this ready to go the next time a date doesn’t go as hoped.
Liked what you read? Stick around and share with a friend. See you tomorrow!