👻 Is There a Right Way to Ghost Someone?
No, it's shitty pretty much every way
Good Morning!
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It’s Day 2 of “Love and Relationships” week and today’s newsletter includes…
Morning Microdose: Is There a Right Way to Ghost Someone? 👻 (No, it's shitty pretty much every way)
Myth of the Day: Chemistry should happen like lightning
Action Item: Reflect on how chemistry has played a role in your past relationships
(1) Morning Microdose
Is There a Right Way to Ghost Someone? 👻 (No, it's shitty pretty much every way)
In yesterday’s newsletter, I laid out a framework for how to date like an adult and described the following situation:
Once you’re out on your first date and interacting, that’s when you can get a good feel for chemistry. If the chemistry is hot, great! Go out again. I’ll cover how to handle not-hot scenarios in tomorrow’s post.
So let’s talk about those “not-hot” scenarios and how your self-care is vital to getting through them.
What is chemistry anyway?
Chemistry is a magnetic attraction that goes beyond physical appearance or shared interests. It's the unexplainable, yet undeniable feeling that draws you toward another person. Romantic chemistry feels like gravity and sounds like Taylor Swift singing “Lover” on a baby grand piano.
It can be uncomfortable to experience bad or non-existent chemistry during a date, but it's important to understand that it's nobody's fault. This phenomenon is completely unconscious and is influenced by neurochemicals in both individuals. It can't be faked or forced; it either exists or it doesn't. The implications: You should NOT beat yourself up over the lack of chemistry on a date.
Core scenarios:
You felt something, but they didn’t
They felt something, but you didn’t
No one felt anything
Scenario 1: You felt something, but they didn’t
This one can hurt (a lot) and triggers nausea-inducing feelings of rejection. It’s often associated with “ghosting…” i.e. you go on a date, find yourself lit up like a Christmas tree inside, send them a text the next day, and then obsessively check your phone every 5 minutes waiting for the response you’re sure they’ll send as soon as they wake up, eat breakfast, drive to work, work at work, drive home, exercise, eat dinner, walk their dog, watch an episode of Love Island, wake up, eat breakfast, hold up…
How long have you been waiting for that text now? Did you accidentally put your phone in airplane mode for the last 3 days? Did they lose your number (does that even happen anymore)? Are they still alive?!
The expectant waiting is excruciating because it causes intense anxiety and fear of rejection (in actuality, it’s the fear of shame). I hate to break it to you, but chances are if you haven’t heard from them and there was no Google Calendar invite to lock down the next date, they’ve ghosted you.
This has happened to me before. I thought we had a great first date and it lasted almost a full day. To me, there were plenty of signals that indicated it was a match. However, crickets make more noise than what I heard after the date. GHOSTED 👻
I was miserable for the next few days until I remembered that the ghosting wasn’t about me, but rather a reflection of them. I stopped blaming myself and questioning my self-worth; then surprised myself by doing something brave as I hit send on the following very direct text:
Hi [name]. I’m going to say a few things to you with no regrets. I like you and find you hot both physically and mentally. You’re attractive, smart in the sexiest of ways, genuine, kind, and funny. I had a great time last weekend and would love to see you again on Friday or Saturday. Let me know if we’re on the same page. If we’re not, that’s ok too. I will always respect boundaries. Regardless, you’re pretty great and meeting you lit me up inside.
Guess how quickly I got a response? Within a few minutes. Yep… that simple statement “Let me know if we’re on the same page” magically gave them permission to tell me that we weren’t.
I felt like I had been set free! I was still bummed but was able to move on and focus on the positives of the experience. Despite my next date being with a pint of Talenti Gelato and iconic 90s pop divas, I still found myself feeling gratitude and self-respect for the way I had handled the situation.
Scenario 2: They felt something, but you didn’t
This is the converse of the above scenario. There are two ways to evaluate:
Do you want to ride it out with this person (i.e. more dates) to see if the chemistry eventually manifests?
Or, do you just want to end it now?
The first requires some serious introspection. Ultimately, it’s a function of time and patience. The second is very simple*:
Harness that amazing ability you have to understand and show compassion towards other humans called empathy
Don’t lead them on and don’t drag it out
Tell them you didn’t feel a connection
Propose next steps (e.g. friendship vs “have a nice life”)
Example text:
Hi [name]. Thanks for hanging out Saturday—I had a nice time and enjoyed meeting you. With that being said, I want to be honest with you. I’m not feeling chemistry between us. I don’t think it would be fair to you or myself to continue seeing each other if the connection just isn’t there.
Not the easiest text to send, I agree. It induces terrifying feelings of vulnerability, as well as fear of judgment. But do it anyway. Don’t let fear hold you back from setting you both free. Honesty = closure.
*Note: In this scenario, you may feel a safety concern. That’s why it’s important to protect your private information (phone number, address, social media accounts, etc.) before you go on a date with a stranger. You can sign up for Google Voice if you don’t want to give out your real number and meet them somewhere other than your home. If you feel freaked out, ask a friend to hang with you while you communicate your feelings.
Scenario 3: No one felt anything
You’ll probably figure this one out right away when you send the example text above. The response “Omg thanks for saying it first—I totally agree” is a surefire way to confirm that.
(2) Myth of the Day
Chemistry should happen like lightning.
While some people may experience an immediate spark or connection with someone they meet, for others, chemistry can develop over time as they get to know a person better. Sometimes, people may feel unsure or lack chemistry on a first date, but with repeated interactions, they may find that their attraction or interest grows.
In certain situations, you may decide that you don’t want to discount someone based on initial feelings (or lack thereof) and give the relationship time to develop and evolve.
(3) Action Item
Reflect on how chemistry has played a role in your past relationships and whether it has been a positive or negative influence. Try to identify specific moments or experiences where you felt a strong connection with someone and consider what drew you to that person.
By reflecting on your past experiences, you can gain a better understanding of your own concept of chemistry in dating and how it influences your relationships. This can help you approach dating with more intention and make more informed decisions about who you choose to pursue.
Liked what you read? Stick around and share with a friend. See you tomorrow!