Who are You When No One is Watching?

Part 2: The imposter appears when you think others are looking

Good Morning!

Welcome to Thursday’s edition of Daily Self and our rescheduled Part 2 of Imposter Syndrome. I completely rewrote today’s newsletter based on yesterday’s dance experience. As we get into it, keep this in mind: once you know what to look for, it’s amazing how easy it is to spot your bullshit.

Today’s Daily Self includes…

1. Morning Microdose: Who are You When No One is Watching?

2. Myth of the Day: Everyone is watching and judging me

3. Action Item: Do something that no one expects you to be good at

(1) Morning Microdose

Who are You When No One is Watching?

If you follow this newsletter, you’ll recall that yesterday I wrote about taking my first virtual dance class. And, using my dog’s intense bowel actions as a metaphor, I explained how dancing can elevate your emotions, helping you forget about all the 💩 that’s going on around you in life… at least, temporarily. The 💩 will still be there after the dance, but you’re approaching it with an entirely different mindset.

You may be thinking, “Fine, great, what’s that got to do with Imposter Syndrome?”

All my life, I’ve felt like an imposter at everything people have expected me to be good at.

This includes things that I was raised to be good at, educated to be good at, and naturally good at. With dancing, I was never raised, educated, or naturally good at it (although, fun fact, my mom is a competitive ballroom dancer—so maybe it’s in the blood). And because no one has any expectations that I’ll ever be good at dancing, I feel completely free to let loose and share my sweet moves with you, zero f*cks given.

For you, expectations may have been set based on:

• Academic honors

• Sports achievements

• Awards in performing (music, dance, theater) arts, visual arts, and writing

• Entrepeneurial successes

• 1st place in the Scripps National Spelling Bee 🐝

Or perhaps expectations based on the more abstract*:

• Accumulation of wealth

• Body shape and size

• Religion and/or culture

• Gender roles

Once you get to a certain “level of mastery” in any of these areas, what happens? You typically move to the next level (with the exception of the 🐝, I suppose). And, it’s at the next level that many of us feel Imposter Syndrome punching us in the kidney.

*NOTE: You may be asking what does “level of mastery” mean with respect to body shape and size, gender roles, etc. Reaching the “next level” in these more abstract areas doesn’t necessarily look like climbing a ladder. For example, if your body doesn’t look like everyone else’s at the gym, or rather than follow in the footsteps of your own stay-at-home mom, your ambition is to lead a Fortune 500 company.

The imposter appears when you think others are looking

Upon reaching the next level, you realize that you’ve satisfied everyone at the previous level. The new level is an entirely different arena of spectators—ones that you need to figure out how to satisfy all over again. This is where you start hearing yourself say:

“I’ve tricked everyone around me—I actually don’t know what I’m doing, and nothing I ever do will be good enough.”

If no one was watching, would you care as much about:

• Not being perfect

• Not being an expert

• Not being able to do something by yourself/without help

• Not mastering something in the first go

• Not multi-tasking 100 things with ease

Now, ask yourself:

1. Who are you when you think others are watching?

2. Who would you be if you knew no one was watching?

Dancing with the imposter

One of my favorite songs is Sia’s Bird Set Free. The hook:

No, I don't care if I sing off key

I find myself in my melodies

I sing for love, I sing for me

I'll shout it out like a bird set free

Watch the dancer as he moves during the hook.

I can’t read his mind… maybe he feels like a total imposter in this moment… after all, he’s performing a contemporary dance solo with a musical superstar on the Ellen Show for roughly 2 million sets of eyeballs.

But as an observer, I see a man who’s dancing like the world around him doesn’t exist. A person who, even if he knows the imposter is there, dances like the imposter isn’t watching.

There is no secret cure for Imposter Syndrome—no magic bullet or $10,000 self-help seminar that will fix it. But the next time you feel imposter’s self-doubt, or begin to question your self-worth in the eyes of others, dance like the world around you doesn’t exist. Dance for you, not for them. Dance to let go, and be set free.

(2) Myth of the Day

In most cases, they’re not, because everyone is thinking the same thing about themselves. We get so worked up about what others think of us, and yet, the person most people focus on is the one in their own skin. It’s not easy, I know, but the next time you feel like someone is judging you, let it go. Even if they are, what significance does one person’s judgment have in the grand scheme of things? Will it change the course of your life? Probably not.

(3) Action Item

Try something that no one expects you to be good at.

1. Did the imposter make an appearance?

   1. If so, why do you think the imposter showed up?

   2. If not, how can you extend that mindset to other areas of your life where you are feeling Imposter Syndrome?

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