You and Me... and Them?!
The emotional intersection of ethical non-monogamy and self-care
Good morning!
It’s Day 4 of Love and Relationships week—I hope you’re enjoying the newsletter and the daily cadence of bite-sized advice. It took a little more vulnerability to write today’s edition, but my intention is to provide you with real-life context for a conversation that’s not as taboo as you may think.
Here’s what’s inside…
Morning Microdose: You and Me... and Them?!
Myth of the Day: If we never talk about it again, that means there’s no problem.
Action Item: Choose (A) or (B) and reflect
(1) Morning Microdose
You and Me... and Them?!
Today’s edition of Daily Self is not meant to explain ethical non-monogamy and its vast terminologies and styles, nor to suggest exploring it yourself, but rather to take a look at the way we might feel if confronted with this possibility—either as someone who is being asked to consider it; or as someone who is asking another to consider it. The Internet has endless resources for learning more about this topic, and I encourage you to do your own research.
Ethical non-monogamy (ENM) is trending. If you review Google search data for the last 5 years, you’ll find that interest in “ENM” has increased 4X since 2020.
Further evidence of this can be found on Reddit. The subreddit r/polyamory has 313K subscribers, which is 6X more than what it was in 2018.
With growing cultural awareness of diverse relationship styles and the increasing acceptance of non-traditional relationships, ENM has become more widely discussed in mainstream media, entertainment, books, podcasts, and online communities. In addition, apps like Feeld have taken aim at destigmatizing the culture, making it easier for like-minded non-monogamists to connect.
With that being said, the thought of ENM used to scare the shit out of me.
ENM = OMG
I remember the first time a partner brought the idea of ENM to the relationship table, and how fast I shut it down. My immediate response was:
“Absolutely no. I’m not ok with that. I’d be way too jealous. We either do monogamy or… well, I don’t know. But definitely no. No, no, no. Did I make myself clear? NO.”
Conversation over.
Looking back, I realized my response was code for a secret internal dialogue I was having about my self-worth. What my subconscious was actually saying:
“I’m afraid you’ll find someone better and like them more than me. You’ll finally figure out what I’ve been hiding from you all along: that I’m not good enough for you.”
Unsurprisingly, that relationship ended and I stopped dating for a long time. Partly because my heart hurt too much, but mostly because I needed to do a lot of work on my self-esteem.
After a while, I reassessed my stance on ENM and went on some dates with people who were polyamorous (they had “primary partners” but consensually dated others). Although I did become a secondary partner to two of those people for a brief period of time; ultimately, I decided that ENM didn’t fulfill my emotional wants and needs.
Here’s how I figured out what those were.
Polyamor-me
While dating polyamorous people, I adopted several self-care practices to (a) use as a barometer for my personal happiness and well-being; (b) keep myself from slipping back into the doom and gloom of self-esteem prison.
(1) Be transparent with your feelings: Although my first reaction to the idea of ENM came from a place of fear and insecurity, it was an expression of my feelings. I just didn’t articulate my true feelings. Had the conversation gone like this, perhaps the result would have been different:
*deep breath, silent sob* “Honestly, the thought of ENM scares the shit out of me. My biggest fear is that you’re going to find someone better, and even worse… fall out of love with me. Can we talk about these feelings before we consider going down this path?”
I know that is an idealistic one-sided snapshot of a conversation. However, you want to get to a place where you’re not letting your fears immediately shut down any possibility of a constructive dialogue. When it comes to considering ENM and prioritizing your own self-care, there is a LOT of talking involved. Communication is the only way you and your partner will get (and stay) on the same page.
(2) Check in with yourself: The construct of an ENM relationship may look good on paper, but in reality, a lot of things can change when you’re in the midst of it. I remember going on long drives alone when I was dating polyamorous people. The drives would put me in a road trance/meditative state, and I’d focus on thoughts like “How am I showing up in this relationship?” “Am I ok with that?” and “Is being a secondary really fulfilling my emotional wants and needs?” The answer to the third question ultimately led me to end those relationships.
(3) Embrace opportunities to learn more about yourself: Life has endless opportunities to learn and grow. You will absolutely evolve when you approach new ideas with curiosity—even if you don’t agree with them or wish to pursue them. I feel empowered by the polyamorous relationship experiences that I’ve had because they’ve given me a wider lens and exciting new insights into sexuality, gender identity, and gender roles.
Once again, I want to reiterate that I’m not suggesting you explore ENM. What I am suggesting, however, is that you prioritize self-care if ENM is something that you are approached with or considering. I know this can be a sensitive topic to some people, which is why I’m writing about it today. But I firmly believe that being open and honest about your feelings on ENM can make a huge difference in the success of a relationship.
(2) Myth of the Day
If we never talk about it again, that means there’s no problem.
This myth can apply to so many topics in a relationship—it’s definitely not limited to ENM! Anytime you sweep something under the rug, it has the potential to ruin the rug.
Avoiding a difficult conversation may provide temporary relief, but the underlying issue(s) will persist and eventually resurface, often causing more significant problems. Ignoring problems in a relationship can lead to a buildup of resentment, anger, and frustration, which can eventually result in the breakdown of the relationship altogether.
Communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship, and addressing issues in a timely and respectful manner can help to strengthen the bond between partners.
(3) Action Item
Would you rather:
(A) be told up-front that your romantic interest is interested in an ENM-style relationship? Or…
(B) be told later on, once you and your romantic partner have been monogamous for a few years?
Why is (A) better than (B) or vice versa? And, for those who choose (A), how would you bring this up in a dating situation where you are getting to know the other person?
Liked what you read? Stick around and share with a friend. See you tomorrow!